Heaviness

One of my most reliable companions has always been a deep sense of heaviness. I didn’t become fully aware of its existence until later in life, but I realize now that I have always felt it. The feeling was omnipresent, inexplicably interwoven into the very air I breathe. It permeated every interaction - both with others and within myself. Its constant presence convinced me that everyone carried a similar weight inside, but this self-centric presumption was eventually proven wrong. Existential questions born from this heaviness, it turned out, do not occupy everyone’s mind.

Looking back, this feeling may have been what Søren Kierkegaard called anxiety.

Søren Kierkegaard defined anxiety (Angst) as the “dizziness of freedom" - the overwhelming, vertiginous feeling that comes when a person realizes they have the absolute power to choose their own path.

He proposed embracing angst as a teacher, allowing it to guide us through critical existential transitions. To his credit, my heaviness turned out to be an excellent sherpa, but it took me nearly four decades to recognize its intrinsic value and trust its intent.

The reason it took so long to trust this anxiety was my constant search for proximal antidotes* to alleviate its weight. It was not until I turned to writing that I found a sustainable antidote for my angst.

*In Self-Determination Theory, this is also called a need substitute, which is a compensatory goal or extrinsic aspiration that people pursue to cope with unfulfilled basic psychological needs

Resonance | To Thine Own Self Be True

“Do you remember when your physics teacher shattered a champagne glass without touching it?”

“Yes, he played the musical note that matched the glass’s resonant frequency.”

“Not unlike that champagne glass, you also have an innate natural frequency. And when you find something deeply meaningful, like that glass, you will respond. Most people experience the resonance as well, but in much more superficial or sensuous ways.”

“Like what?”

“Like sports, music, or physical intimacy. However, there is a more powerful level of resonance you can experience.”

“What is that?”

“On the rarest occasion, you will come across an idea so noble and so deeply personal that it will captivate you from within.”

Chapter 11, The Vault