Chapter 1

Fall of 1999

“Dad!”

What have I done to deserve this happiness?

I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude as she sprinted across the lawn for a hug.

And what have I done to deserve this happiness taken away so hastily?

I saw the late afternoon sun casting a golden halo on my giggling daughter’s head.

I’ll miss her more than life.

My shortened lifespan incinerated all the nonessential facts of life and revealed what mattered most.

Two hours ago

“Mr. Apollon, the lab results are back.”

I couldn’t discern if it was the end of an ordinary beginning or the beginning of a remarkable end.

“Do you understand the diagnosis, Mr. Apollon?” The doctor showed nothing but casual indifference. “Mr. Apollon, are you okay?”

“No, no, I am not okay,” I replied after regaining composure from the initial shock.

I know a lot of people go through it, but it doesn’t make it any less real.

“So do you understand what I have told you.”

“Yes, I understand,” I hid my trembling hands under the desk. “I have cancer.”

I couldn’t muster enough courage to go home. What would I tell my daughter? That I won’t be there for her? That she would have to see my body wither like a dry cactus?

***

“The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the universe” – Albert Camus

***

I cannot remember much after the doctor’s visit. Everything was blurred and muted. But I do remember the abysmal feeling of hopelessness. The stench of that sinking sensation remained etched in my mind and has accompanied me like a shadow ever since. After exiting the premises, I aimlessly wandered along the perimeter of the hospital until my legs felt stiff.

[redacted]